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Transitioning to Marriage


Transitioning from engagement to marriage can be a challenge for many couples. Last week we discussed the four steps that lead to marriage: dating, courtship, engagement, marriage. The goal is to be stepping up to marriage, and not sliding down to marriage. Every step is very important and different from the step before it. This week I want to share what I learned about engagement. 

How couples get engaged plays a role in marriage. Studies have shown that when couples go through rough parts of marriage, the wife tends to look back at the engagement to hopefully have a good memory of how the marriage started out. One comment from class that I loved was “is the engagement a commitment or a show.” In today's society with social media playing a huge part of our lives, proposals tend to be a huge production. This doesn’t need to be the case. The proposal needs to show that the guy is fully committed and is making a sacrifice to make the relationship move forward. In class we discussed that the proposal shouldn’t be a huge surprise. The engagement is the first really big decision that you will make together as a couple. The couple should have talked about marriage. However the wedding shouldn’t be planned before the proposal.

After the proposal you need to plan a wedding. It is important to remember that there is a difference between planning a wedding and planning a marriage. I was shocked to hear that the average wedding in the United States costs $30,000. That is a ton of money. So how can couples afford this? Either their parents pay, the couple goes into debt, or they delay the wedding. There are negative consequences for all three of those options. When parents of the couple pay for the wedding there is a sense of owing them. This can create major barriers between the couple and it pulls parents into the family system that they don’t need to be apart of. Going into debt causes a lot of stress. This means that couples have to work more and put off starting a family and finishing schooling. Delaying a wedding tends to lead to cohabiting. Studies have shown us that cohabiting before marriage leads to a higher chance of divorse. I learned that studies show that the cheaper a wedding is, and the more people that are at the wedding, the more successful a marriage is. That was very interesting to me. 

Another thing I want to talk about is marriage satisfaction. After the birth of the first child the satisfaction of marriage decreases because there is less time together, everyone is more tired, and there are more tasks. Something that we talked about is the actual birth of the child. So many girls want their mother to be in the hospital room with them when they give birth. However this causes there to be issues. This moment is for a husband and wife to share together. Bringing more people in to be involved again brings a parent into the family system causing a barrier between husband and wife. 

My older sister had her first baby back in November. When she was first pregnant she wanted our mom in there with her and even a birth photographer. When she told my mom this, my mother said she didn’t want to be in the room. My mom knew how important it was for just the couple to share the moment together. After giving birth my sister was grateful that our mom gave her that direction. 

I want to end with a scripture that was shared in my class. 1 Corinthians 7:16 “for what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? Or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife.”

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